“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
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Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.