*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
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My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Dammit Chief not again
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
mom had nothing to worry about
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit