[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
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Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.