Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
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Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I love the National Park Service.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs