I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
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The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
thank god the sign was there
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.