[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
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Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Thrilling chase underway
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!