*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
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Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please