*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
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I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
#CatsOnTwitter
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.