*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
You Might Also Like
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo