*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
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Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Duolingo getting serious.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear