*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
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[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.