Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
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*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?