We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters
@iwearaonesie: *hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
@Tmoney68: [Doctor's Office]
Dr: I'm not going to candy-coat this....
Me: *misses bad results of test because I'm imagining a coat made of Skittles*
@Thynebear: [Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
@Donna_McCoy: That's not a halo. It's the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
@ScubavelliDeux: *whispers seductively in your ear*
"...look at that last slice of pizza and you're dead to me..."
@EJGomez: dating tip: do NOT kiss their dad on the first date to establish dominance. wait until at least the second date. he will respect you more