*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
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Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
When does CPR become necrophilia?
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment