*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
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Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Google assistant rules
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.