[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
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Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess