@TheTweetOfGod: Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
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@MarlonBrandNO: [First Date] "Okay don't let her know you're a tool shed" Waiter: Anything to drink? Date: a screwdriver please *My head slowly opens*
@kivtur: [How the rap feud started] Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b'day party? 2pac: sure, no biggie Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
@dlockw21: I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, "well, at least somebody gets to be held."