*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
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FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.