*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
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So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Admin smashed it 😂
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.