[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
You Might Also Like
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
pizza
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose