I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
You Might Also Like
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
he’s doing your taxes
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.