{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
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wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Every damn time
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
The USS B port
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
“and how does that make you feel?”
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one