[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
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When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.