[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
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The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
My birthstone is a marshmallow
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”