[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
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No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
these two trucks have the same bed length
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.