Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
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Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!