Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
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[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼