If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
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Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
They’re the worst 😩