My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
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I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
not to brag, but mine was free
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.