Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
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YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
*updates tinder bio*
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”