@moxieblogger: Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don't have a baby. So no.
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@dave_cactus: ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident. HER: Were you hurt? [flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard] ME: So hurt.
@longwall26: One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said "death or becoming a pirate king" and he threw my cat Alan at me
@mrjohndarby: Cop 1: There's been another murder Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose. Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she's in the Matrix*