Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
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the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
(2022)
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky