Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
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Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?