Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
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Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”