Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
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*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”