Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
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Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come