Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
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I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
“No way.” -Jose
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses