Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
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One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga