Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
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If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t