Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
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A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.