Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
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“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
excuse me
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Meme Monday.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.