Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
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When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
seems fine
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
My work here is done
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing