Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
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If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month