Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
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Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot