Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
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Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods