@TheMichaelRock: Hell hath no fury like a white woman emailing Target after a bad shopping experience.
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@awkwardphilippe: [during sex] HER: this isn't working out ME: *putting sock puppet away* was it something he said?
@Social_Mime: Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn't have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
@cwhudson: "asparagai" is what i call multiple asparagus, but don't take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
@shutupmikeginn: Spice things up in a first date by wearing a parachute and refusing to talk about it