@TheMichaelRock: Hell hath no fury like a white woman emailing Target after a bad shopping experience.
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@sevenxx7: Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
@samalmightysam: Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you're sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
@zachreinert03: Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It's true, I'm still glad I went with a bowling ball though
@Brianhopecomedy: Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone's food pics and posting the calories.