Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
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We cut our bangs at dawn.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact