@dshack8: Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you're continuing to tweet.
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@CountMackula: Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
@JD_Barney: I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"
@STEELERS1972: So I met this hooker who said she'd do anything for ten bucks . Guess who got his yard cut?
@shot_of_cabo: If you start a sentence with "Let me reiterate..." I'm gonna ignore it the second time too.