Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
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Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
When they try to steal your moment.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
This is painfully accurate 😅
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Probably my best painting.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”