@dshack8: Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you're continuing to tweet.
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@JPHaddadio: They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
@Thedudish: It's been so long since I bought groceries, this morning I saw a c**kroach move out. "Good luck," he sighed, clutching his tiny suitcases.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: I'm keeping a greater distance behind this truck with a vanity plate that reads "IMTEXAN" than I do behind cars with "Baby on board" signs.
@SortaSarcastic: This Is total BULLSHIT! You can't even find ACME anvils on ebay. THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON'T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!