Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
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Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.