Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
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random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
translated into Canadian
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Big Sex has us all fooled
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming