Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
You Might Also Like
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”